Having a baby should be easy, but what if you struggle? Words that can help.

When I was a young girl I dreamed of getting married and having kids. I never saw myself being anything more than those things. Little did I know that my dreams of meeting my husband would come when I was so young. Dreams do come true. Until dreams get shattered and your next dream fades out of site for years to come. Something that comes so easily to others will never be easy for us. And so we start down the road of infertility…..

We got married at 20 and by the next season the conversations of starting a family began to be all we talked about together. We would sit on the couch and dream of what our lives would be like adding a new person to our growing love. We would go down the baby isles and look at all the adorable clothes that one day we couldn’t wait to buy. Days turned into months and those months turned in to years. Doctor appointments, blood draws, medication to help my body ovulate, and negative pregnancy tests. The utter disappoint day in and day out.

I was a healthy 20 yr old woman. How in the world is my body not working and doing what every women’s body does. The emotions of being excited only to be let down hard when you take that test in hopes of it being positive. Women around me getting pregnant without trying. But I cant. For 3 years this was my reality. Praying and getting down on my knees begging for a baby. Telling, screaming, pleading that I would be the best mother to any child you give me. In those times I read somewhere to journal. So I started to write this sweet baby I knew I would some day have. The hope that came in to my heart started to shine through the dark cloud of infertility. One day I will give this journal to my first born. But until then I would keep it close to me always to journal when I was feeling the dark cloud.

Are you struggling with the dark cloud of infertility? The burden of loving something so much that in your weary heart you may never hold or kiss. The financial burden of tests, medications, doctor visits, IVF or whichever way your doctor and you take. Its a huge expense. You begin to get weary and you just give up hope. And the 3rd year we decided to give up. Maybe being a mom isn’t in my future if my own body can’t work right. Maybe it suppose to be my hubby and I for the rest of our lives. No more doctor visits, no more medications, no more blood draws, and no more pleading God for this baby. That was what we decided to do and the grief and peace I felt on that day I cannot put into words.

Why me? Why God? Why do I sit here and watch everyone get pregnant?

Infertility is not a fun struggle to go through for many different reasons. It takes a toll on you mentally, physically, and emotionally. The physical part of trying to conceive takes a toll on your body. Blood draws every month to check your numbers to see if you ovulate. The medication you go on from this day to this day to help your body release an egg. Then your on a schedule from your doctor on when to have sex to best conceive. Then you wait for a positive or negative test. For 3 years that test read negative each month. IVF is the next step.

The expense of the blood draws, the medication, and Dr visits add up. Why me? Why us? This goes in to mentally and emotionally taking a toll on you. Your mind only thinks about wanting this baby so badly. Your heart hurts every time a friend or family member announce they are pregnant. Inside your dying on the outside you have to put the smile on your face and be happy for them.

Each month you get your hopes up and each month your emotions are on a roller coaster ride. You hype yourself up that this will be the month to only be let down. Time goes by and by and your dreams start getting more and more distant from you. Why me? Why God? Until one day your life changes. One day your prayers are answered.

A miracle happens.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you a future and a hope” Jeremiah 29:11